the river's all dry now
Clara Christine.
Thinks too much, tries too hard, laughs too loud, sings too softly, adventures too little, writes to death.
a little loopy, a little lost, a little lonely.
here is the road map to where my mind wanders.
the boy I loved the most
was the boy that told me one day
as the sun chased the shadows
that nerves tended to get the best of me
that I rubbed the tops of my thighs
when the blush started staining my face
a red that bled into the believability of my lie.
the boy I loved the most
was the boy that I passed papers
with across a blue shabby picnic table.
I kept those notes much long after
the words held any truth.
the boy I loved the most
was the boy that awoke every piece
of me, had me face my ghosts.
the boy I loved the most
was the boy that never could
love the shattered shell of me
as much as he said he would,
I loved the most the boy
that saw me for what I was to
become, not who I was.
I loved that boy ‘til I was black and blue,
the bruises have yet to fade.
I loved this boy for he was more
than anything I’d ever experienced,
he was a winter, he was a storm,
and he swept me away.
the boy I loved the very most
is a boy I couldn’t reach for,
he was the waves, I the coast.
Low tide has come and he is gone.
take credit for all my successes,
accept the blame for all my downfalls.
after all, your mission was to better me
so my wins are your triumphs,
my defeats are your failures,
you built me.
If I fall,
I’m taking you to hell with me.
I didn’t ask for reconstruction,
you boarded over my windows
because they give away too much
emotion. You bolted shut my doors,
for they let too much truth escape.
You crafted me into a liar,
took all my innocence
and you burnt it all away.
You created a monster,
you destroyed what I used to be,
I hate myself more every day.
Are you happy? Am I a
game winning fighter, am I
your little soldier? I’m not
you, maybe I once traced
your footsteps, copied down every
word you mispronounced, I
memorized the details of your skin.
I thought myself in love with
you, but you’re not a human. There’s
no warmth in your pores, I fancied
myself special for you had made
no claims on any other. You’re
not a hero, you let me fall from
rooftops to catch me at the
last moment. But I’m nauseous
from the free falls,
I’m never climbing your ladder
again, I’m not what you want
and finally,
I don’t want to be.
you put the universe inside my chest, gave me overwhelming purpose that’s bursting my seams
but then you turned and you walked away, waving once over your shoulder, without a word before you took your leave.
you put the universe inside my chest, but I’m hallow without you, you left me empty with this black matter swallowing my skin
take it back, everything is nothing without you, I don’t want to be anything if I cannot have your love again
you put the universe inside my chest, it’s con-caving my rib cage and contracting my body in on me
I don’t need something expansive, I don’t want extravagance, I only long for you, is that such a sin?
you put the universe inside my chest, but don’t you realize you put the stars in my sky? I need for nothing, I just need your love wholly and simply.
I take the bottles,
that your lips brush
more often than mine,
they don’t even blush
they don’t feel how special
it is to have your love,
I smash these bottles
against the walls,
let the brown liquid pool
in a puddle oh so small,
the rest is already drowning
your mind,
I take this plant,
the plant you allow inside
far deeper than you ever
will admit you hide
and you nuzzle in it’s
fog, its clouds don’t lie
or even tell you the bitter
truth that you’re wasting your life.
I take that plant and I
burn it until it’s black,
wipe all the ash away watch
the blue in your eyes come back.
I take your books from your hands
and I pull your palms to my face
praying that you’ll grasp the man
you used the be, the boy
that made my whole world stand
on its own two feet instead of
resting upon my shoulders. Can’t
you come back, out of the clouds,
out of the fog? Relocate your stance,
your backbone, return to Earth,
be my love again.
My finger pads graze something rough and it instantly brings the feelings of your hands to the front of my mind, I was touching a piece of you even though you left me far behind.
it seems that I remember all the little things, and these minuscule objects keep you alive inside me.
isn’t it sad how someone you love so much can just disappear? without even a second’s warning, they’re gone. No matter how hard you shake them, their bones rattle but their breath is gone. Their heart’s pattered out, there aren’t any beats slipping out. Their hands flop harshly, their eyes stare without seeing. Their smile is lost and immediately you forget what it looked like. Their skin loses its warmth and its shine. Their hair needs not to be swept away, there’s no need to try.
they’re gone. for once, you can’t follow. You can’t wait for them to return, they’ll never turn back around and sprint into your arms. There’s nothing to protect. They can no longer come to harm. There’s no one to dance for or soft hands to kiss. No gaze to hold, only something to miss. No ears to giggle at your endless complaints, no one shuddering at the thunder shaking the pane. No one to carry into bed after a long movie night or freckled arms to hold you too tight.
No sickness to care for or favorite food to burn. There’s just memories and pictures frames but nothing as good as her.
there is literally no worse feeling
than knowing that I let you
down.
I try so hard to be a good friend,
I work until I collapse to
ensure
that you smile but at
the end of it all, I’m not
enough.
I can’t make you happy.
I can’t give you the happiness that you
fill
me with. It’s like you’ve put
the universe in my
chest.
I’m so full, I’m bursting at the seams
but I’m so empty and I have no mean
ing.
What if Humpty was never an egg
but we brightened the story when he was really a man.
What if Dumpty lost all his love
and his money was spent to find
his purpose again.
Humpty’s compass was crushed, all hope was dismantled
then Dumpty crumbled, for every tear he lit a candle.
Humpty went to that wall, to find a height
That would free him from the depths of his woe.
But it’s arms always extended, they could reach
and in a blink of an eye, Dumpty finally let go.
I hate to say it
but this will never heal.
The skin’s all burnt
now we’re starting to peel.
The skinned knees are
upside down, tell me it was real.
These elbows are buckling,
these joints were never made of steel.
Watch it burn,
watch it drown
this body of ours
is tumbling down.
Watch it burn,
it’s becoming ash.
Look at us now,
we live for the past.
I hate to hear it,
but this mouth stays silent.
The teeth have yellowed
from the cigarettes we spent
right down to to the filter.
This rib cage has a permanent dent.
Look at this body,
it’s mangled beyond repair.
Look at our body,
it used to be fair.
Look at the freckles,
that you tore right off the back.
Look at our arms,
was the happiness worth the aftermath?
you’ll never understand that your voice is my favorite sound, the idea of you loving me my sweetest lullaby. every minute with you is a flawless daydream, I can’t explain what you are to me.
you’re the sunlight on my skin, warming me softly but staining it bright red. you’re the rain drizzling down slowly, calming me slowly but making me long to be dead.
you’ve gotten me so lost inside you, I’m just another freckle on your wrist. you’ve been moving so slyly and I cannot force myself to resist the magic in your irises.
your back has marks from my fingers attempting to press you closer, I want to mend into one person, I want you to hold me. I give you everything I have, press my mouth against your neck. you’re my greatest downfall and I’m terrified of the day that you’ll forget.
you deserve more than the mess that I am, I wish I could capture the world and press it into your hands. you’re the most beautiful thing that I’ve ever seen, but you deserve something angelic. we’re only my most beloved dream.
